Unfaithful Spouse – Should You Stay If They Refuse To Change?

by admin on January 27, 2011

Should You Be A Doormat or A Doorway

Ok, so this post will probably be a bit controversial. I can’t help myself. I have to talk about this subject. Let me start with a very clear disclaimer here. I am not, nor do I pretend to be a marriage counselor. I do not encourage anyone to follow my opinion as advice for their marriage. I have my opinions and this is my blog and I will say what I need to say.

I have read a lot of posts on infidelity forums. You find all kinds of stories on the forums. Unfortunately they are not moderated very well in some cases. Because of that, in my opinion, there is a lot of not so sound advice being dealt out. There is some very good stuff, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes people give credibility to stuff they read solely on the basis of the fact that it is on the internet. That can be troubling at times.

One of the common pieces of advice I have noticed is when someone knows that their spouse is cheating, or at the very least suspects it. Some of the responses to their posts tell them to be careful and not let your spouse think you don’t trust them. The problem here is, the person giving the advise doesn’t walk in the other person’s shoes. They don’t know the situation. They say something like, “be careful…don’t let them think you are spying on them…even if you have proof, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”.

Ok so let me give you a personal example of why this is, in my opinion, bad advice. I suspected something was going on for about 7 or 8 years. I didn’t want my wife to think I was a crazy, jeoulous husband so I ignored the warning signs. On the 12th year, some evidence was dropped in my lap and I decided to “drill down”.  It turns out the very thing I was afraid to confront her about for all those years was true. And all I had to do to confirm it was check her phone records.

Thank God we are doing well and have started over quite successfully. But I can’t help but believe that if I would have been more investigative 6 or 7 years earlier that things would have not gotten as far out of hand as they did.

When I did find out, I made it real clear. I had proof. It was undeniable proof. So she confessed. From the time of her confession until this day, there is no question in her mind where I stand. If she so much as sends him an email, I am out the door. Period. I will not be a meal ticket. I will not be the owner of the hotel. I will not be a doormat. This is really simple stuff. Geeze.

I read so much trash about people thinking that some woman whose husband can’t keep his pants zipped up should just wait around and be patient. She should get counseling and hope he will see the light and join her someday. Makes me wanna puke. Now I would never say this on a forum to someone asking for advise. But this is my blog and no one is asking me so I will just say it. Kick the bum out and if he won’t leave, move out yourself. Get your counseling for sure. You need to talk to someone who can think straight. You will never…never…never feel good about yourself as long as you submit yourself to that kind of abuse.

And here is the other thing. If you don’t demand that he leave or you leave yourself, why should he quit seeing the other(s). He’s got the best of both worlds. He can go out and play and come home to a clean house and a faithful wife who fixes his dinner and washes his clothes. No incentive to change there now is there?

I don’t consider myself an insensitive person and I don’t want to come across that way. But please understand what I am trying to communicate here. There are basic relationship principals in life that if you follow them, things can be heavenly. If you think I am wrong consider the logic of it. Ask yourself this question. Is it right for your wife to continue to have sex with another man after you have found out? If she has told you that she wants to try to work it out with you and rebuild but she can’t do it yet should you say “ok honey…I’ll wait until you are ready to stop sleeping with him. We can still live together. I will be faithful to you and in fact until you are ready I’m going to go ahead and get some counseling. I hope you will join me when you are done sleeping with him. I’ll be right here for you because I love you”.

If that sounds ok to you then you may as well stop reading this right now because we think differently and your just going to get upset with me. I apologize but I read a few forums today and I just have to get this out of my system. I didn’t want to go off on the poor guy that was getting this kind of advice so I am venting here in my “safe place”.

Here is a little tip. If you tell her you love her, and you want to work it out, and you will change, and you ask her to stop seeing the other guy…if she says she just needs some time to get over him, that is really her saying “no”. If she needs her space, give it to her. Lots of it. That is your only chance of ever getting her back. (Remember…I am not a counselor).

Here is my main point (I do have one). You can be a doormat that continues to get taken advantage of if you want to. But that will not change the person that is abusing you…it will enable them. Now there is a sort of fine line here. If you have been a *itch to live with for the last 5 years of your marriage, it is important to let them know that you realize that and you are going to change. But you can not let your guilt be their ticket to walk on you. They probably haven’t been so easy to live with either. And when you “put the hammer down”, you aren’t being mean and spiteful, you are just showing them that you love them too much and respect yourself too much to sit back and watch this behavior go on.

Or you can be a doorway. You can be the doorway for change if there is ever going to be any. He or she won’t know how good they have it until you are gone. Then, if they ever were truly going to change, this would be the time. I’m starting to sound like a counselor here so I better stop. Remember, don’t take my advice. But if you clearly understand what I am trying to say here, then consider it as an alternative.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

gone April 23, 2011 at 9:02 am

I agree fully. My wife of 32 years was in an affair for a year before I found out. I tried to reconcile with her but she was in love. I divorced her for my own sanity. She has started her third year in that relationship and one year of them living together.
He is still married. Recently they had their first spat and she moved into my daughters. I am suddenly intelligent and clever when before I was stupid and hindered her from expressing herself.
Now I no longer want her. I no longer need her. That time has past. When I am around her it reminds me why I am divorced.
It could have been different if she would have found remorse for her actions rather than joy in my hurt.

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